Bench

Just a Quickie

Okay, yesterday was my birthday, I turned 41, pretty unremarkable age I mean 41? After turning 40 which has a profound impact for good or for bad, 41 is pretty humdrum I mean 'So what'?, its not even 42 which as a Douglas Adams fan I am anticipating some sort of enlightenment.....

And it was a pretty unremarkable day (yes I not only started  a sentence with 'And' I also started a paragraph,!!! (oh the humanity, you'll get used to it - its my blog so either be quiet and read on or push off) - anyway, yes, pretty unremarkable, had to work (nobody got up in the house to wish me a Happy Birthday before I left! (Thanks Guys) it was a grey miserable day (brilliant) my new contact lenses were rubbish and ended up in the bin under my desk! (Great!) The girl who was due to be interviewed and save me from my endless stream of split shifts didn't show(fab) in fact the only delight was the  the usual simple but welcome birthday gift from my boss, a bar of posh soap, some wine a cheeky card about being an aging hormonal woman with £20 inside.

(I always feel slight uncomfortable when my boss puts money in my card, as welcome as it is, and I am always grateful of it, its almost like a secret that should never be mentioned. ....)

Anyway. Was given afternoon off (bonus) and spent the afternoon being entertained by the children and uploading photographs to Flickr (for that adventure see my other blog)

Then late in the evening I decided to check the local news, as I do, to see if anything that has happened involves someone I might vaguely know....and I came upon the story that some of you may have been aware of. an event I witnessed the aftermath of and that was the raid on the Bookmakers opposite where I work.

First I knew of it was Tuesday morning when I glanced out of my office window and saw the police tape and a police officer outside the Ladbrokes, I watched the amount of police build up and excitedly took a couple of snaps to share with my friends on Facebook and a couple of people who actually pay attention to my tweets on twitter


Well one of the photos I took was THERE in the report..... I was aware that someone from the local paper had seen my ramblings on twitter and had requested to use it but it was so rubbish I didn't think they would, but there it was.....

http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/news/local/east-hampshire/staff_locked_in_back_room_of_portsmouth_betting_shop_by_armed_robber_1_3013074

A strange feeling of excitement and fear gripped me, after all a picture be it rubbish or not that I had taken was in the local paper, considering that I have only just this week decided that my latest fad is amateur photography it was quite a feat... but at the same time it was a photo that I had taken surreptitiously of the police... from my office window when I was supposed to be working. (The Virgo in me is still in full on panic mode now!)

Crime Scene

It was only later that I discovered over a period of 24hrs of Postie gossip and bits of news that there had been a hold up in the Book Makers, two female members of staff had been held at knife-point and bundled into the back room whilst the perp had taken off with money from the till - and I had seen nothing .... even with having the best vantage point in town and two (not just one) but TWO cameras in my possession!!

Thank Christ I wasn't asked what I was doing between the hours of 7.30 and 8am because I would have to admit that at the time the robbery was taking place I was within 30 yards of events  taking a photograph of the back of a bench (a bench which had a brass plate on it displaying  'Natures Laws and the Making of Pictures' by WL Wyllie ) and then sitting at my desk in my office tweeting about what a dull day it was going to be.

(I haven't edited this one yet..... its just a quickie blog)

Follow Friday

Very few people who twitter will be unaware of twitters ritual buddy fest that is #ff or #followfriday to the uninitiated

For those of you who do not tweet (which there are not many, because if you are reading this you most probably got here via twitter) it is an opportunity for tweeters to tweet the name of the people who they recommend others follow.

Great time had by all lots of love and back slapping but is 140 characters enough to basically review and promote the people you have followed and talked to for in some cases months or even years?

With the people I follow the answer is no because there is such a broad range of people that I follow sometimes based on one tweet that caught my eye and that person has never tweeted again or based on an ongoing twitter exchange that reads like a conversation between friend or work mates

So I decided to blog my #ff so that I would have the chance to explain why I thought you should follow each of the people I am going to recommend and so that you can make an informed choice!

the #ff are in no particular order

@clairenelson because shes a beautiful Kiwi girl. If you like real down to earth friendly thoughtful and cheerful tweets that DO NOT contain strong language (a rare find on twitter) that she is your girl - She is going to do a run for charity and would appreciate some sponsors but she is also totally in love with.....she is most definitely not a coke smuggling, cage fighting kitten killer! If its kitten killers you want....

@obothe clown because if his avatar doesn't scare you then his tweet will.

@BECKintl because he will draw you tweet and he broke some ribs and found he is missing a kidney - the man needs a break.....of the non-bone type!

@tattyheaded because for a vegan cyclist hes surprisingly un-cunty and very funny!

@Feisty_Onion because her self confessed big arse does not get in the way of her being very funny!

@Ivan_Jelical (Neil Morris) because he never fails to respond to a good morning, and is always charming and thoughtful modest and self-depreciating given that after being told 'you sir are a wanking fuckwit.' tweeted in response QUOTE 'My life is now complete I have achieved all my ambitions !'

@MrMisterMan because was able to post a tweet which was infantile and relating to quantum physics at the same time QUOTE'I think I just did a quantum fart. I did it in 1 room and it could apparently be smelt in an entirely different room at the same time!'

@ManMadeMoon not because he is David Bowies son but because he wrote and directed and phenomenal film 'Moon' and contrary to popular belief is not called Zowie but Duncan!

@pauljchambers and his lovely lady @crazycolours because they are NOT repeat NOT domestic terrorist although he did promise to bomb an airport and she promised to kill all the staff at the local jobcentre plus!

@IanMartin because when you have the job title of 'swearing consultant' for the relentlessly funny 'The Thick of It' you deserve to be followed by everyone who has ever stood in the same room as someone with a sense of humour.

@NeuroSceptic because when asked to promote himself simply said he didn't deserve it well I follow him so he must had said something funny at some point. Also blogged what he thought at the risk of a fan-boy lynching you have to admire his balls even if you cant see them!

@CuntyChoppalops because not only does she have THE name to follow but she is wonderfully outspoken to the point I have had to take a long hard stare in the moral mirror not easy to take sometimes but worth it believe me.

@HumphreyCushion Wonderfully funny, intelligent and daring and beautiful to boot, you will love her and hate her and love her.

@Twistedlilkitty bio-scientist - If you loved Alice in Luther your going to love her!

@Hardyduncan because he has a PhD in in genetics and can cook

@daniel_mayhew because apparently there are funny Australians

@GeeDubya67 for all his protests he is funny!

Last but not least my beautiful, intelligently witty, naughty and soulful sister @Iamagypsy who most definitely has a portrait in the attic along with a few toys!


And for all of you who just see this as a transparent attempt to get people to read my blog - congratulations 10/10 for the psycho-analysis but may I add that it was actually hard work and that self promotion is and always should be shameless!

Finally if you didn't get a mention it means I'm sorry I may well have intended to but sometimes I have to give some attention to my family of 5 my job and my house which resembles a burglary in a charity shop at the moment! xx

@Martin_Carr because I forgot him which makes me an arse!
@DanielNothing because I forgot him too and he deserves better!
@Samjay67 because I forgot to mention him tooooo! Aghh cuts off fingers with a rusty bread knife!

continues next week.......

Thats enough now madam its time to go home!

Okay, so Twitter wont let me tweet tonight - I have reached some sort of limit on tweets (which I most certainly have not!) Am I bothered? I certainly shouldn't be...there are many more things to be getting on with. Football for a start, a pile of laundry that needs sorting and folding and putting away. A conversation with my bored househusband partner wouldn't go amiss and a movie or something....but the fact that twitter is quietly twittering away, without me being allowed to contribute, is irking me in a way that I haven't experienced for a long time. I feel like there is a party in the next room and I am very much not invited.

'You've have had your fun,..' twitter has told me '..its time to go home now!'

Never has twitter looked more tantalizing; never have I wanted to twitter so much, and while my fast, wry, little witty tweets gather dust in my outbox, twitter twitters on and they are not even noting my absence.

Twitter can live without me for a night...but will I live without twitter? Only time and a night of conversation will tell!

Reality BItes the dust!

It is the end of an era! The last 'Big Brother' in the UK is in full flow and as the last batch of wannabes fight over the cornflakes it would seem we have had enough of reality television. As Davina prepares her CV for a new job as political editor of the Sunday Times I am sure that 'Britain's got Talent and 'X-Factor' will soon follow; the viewing figures will fall as the rubber necked voyeurs move away from the crash site to the firm words from the TV pundit stating clearly and with authority .'..move away now ladies and gentleman there is nothing to see here!' then we will all be forced switch off our television sets and go and do something less boring instead.

It was not until I did a bit of research on reality TV that I realised just how many of this abysmal excuses for entertainment there have really been:-

Big Brother, Survivors, Wife-Swap, Britain's got Talent, The X-factor, Celebrity Re-Hab are just the tip of the iceberg of the list of this socially destructive light entertainment shows gracing our screens during the past decade. They called it the 'Naughties' surely 'non-entities' would have been more appropriate!


Karl Marx said 'Die Religion...ist das Opium de Volkes' which translates as 'Religion is the Opiate of the people'

At the time of writing this Marks explained that'.. the abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness.' Given the decline in the popularity of the Church in the UK and much of the Western world it is pretty easy to say that Marxs desire for the people to be released from their religious induced false happiness has come to pass but instead of being cured of our addiction and being left to find joy in ourselves and each other we have found an equally inexplicable and gaudy replacement; that hideously addictive drug that is reality television.

Even the most learned and intelligent have to admit that at some point during the last decade that they spent an evening peeping through fingers of at least one of the smorgasbord of reality shows that have been on offer over the last 10 years I'm sure Prof. Steven Hawking has uttered 'Oh my God' in his computerised voice when watching the delusion ed and the victimised desperately trying to please the new false idol Simon Cowell.

You only have to be logged into twitter at the time of the screening of one of these shows to see the broad range of Celebs, Journos, Politicians and real people from all walks of life who give up there high brow political and socially stimulating tweets to comment on the hair/trousers/sexual exploits/or sheer ugliness of the latest scapegoat who we can vent all our negative shit at. Even Gordon Brown has been revealed to have drawn into making observations on reality shows that should be so far below his fly zone that his only respectable response should be 'What the Fuck are you on about?' - could you imagine Winston Churchill giving a dry witty observation on the talents or lack of of Jedward or Alexander Burke? But times have changed and even our politicians are expected to dumb down to suit our rapidly declining expectations of the world around us.

Reality TV is dying but its legacy is a rather sordid stain on sections of society that it could never dreamed of groping when it was in its balsy over enthusiastic adolescence!

So, what would Karl Marx say, if he was alive today, as Big Brother prepares announce its last ever winner and thrusts the last reality show hero into the spiteful arms of the baying mob?

I imagine something along the lines of....

"This is Karl Marx you are live on Channel 4 please do not swear!"

New trick but not an old dog!

On Sunday I published my first blog. The word blog has been in my peripheral vision for years but I've never considered myself having anything remotely interesting enough to say to write my own and certainly never had the desire to publish an online diary or a blow by blow account of my fairly average life. But 10 years of Big Brother, Friends Reunited, FaceBook and Twitter have changed our concepts of privacy and what is actually interesting enough to share with strangers.

So what compelled me to write a blog today? Well I have been a dedicated twitterer for long enough to get vexed by those who dismiss it as anonymous ramblings and have been become part of it to the extent that it is no longer a means of legitimately stalking celebrity's! Added to this many people that I follow have been brave enough to post their own blogs which has given me enough encouragement to do so myself after all Andy Warhol said everyone would be famous for 15 minutes and who am I to deny him the ability to say 'I told you so!' from his lofty and psychedelic perch.

So why the second blog? Because I'm practicing, I may make a habit of it and I need to fiddle to find out what the hell I'm doing and if that means publishing a load of pointless drivel then so be it.

If you have read this far then congratulations you are the winner of an all expenses paid holiday in Mauritius and a brand new family four door saloon.....not really but thanks for reading anyway.

First but maybe not Last Post!

So this is my first blog. How exciting, well maybe not for you but it is for me!

Now as some of you may already have experienced its all very well deciding to write a blog but what the hell do you say and who really gives a toss what you do?

Maybe nobody will read it so I can say 'tit-shag-wank' and no one will care or be shocked - I could write all my darkest secrets and confessions and they would be left to gather what ever is the equivalent to dust in cyberspace.

Whether someone reads or not is not relevant to me as this what will be a personally historic moment in time. Whats relevant is that it is done and it pleases me.

I suppose I need to start with a reason, a purpose...well the reason is simply 'because'. Because it on my list of 100 things to do before I die (and given that I am now approaching 40 and both my mother and grandmother died in their mid 60s it only give me about 25 years ) and then when you consider that one of the other things to do on my list is 'See the Earth from Space' I thought I would get the easier things out of the way first but now I'm here and writing I'm thinking I should have tried to buy the 'Dummies Guide to Astro-physics' first.

My intention was to write about Twitter because that is what inspired me to write a blog, it is where I am going to post this little masterpiece first....'Twitter' that great parallel universe where I have been quoted as saying 'where the Wannabies and the Celebs are united by Ego'

I wanted to write about how Twitter was not what I expected, how my intital intentions for joining have been pushed aside in favour of the reason I go on now...how the reason I go on now, the reason I am totally addicted to 'Twitter' the reason its the first thing I log onto when I turn on my PC - its not the celebrity, its the surreal normality, its the small little everyday comments that range from the banal to the ridiculous - the little connections to other regular people.

But its not a' normal connection its a peculiar connection to the side of people you don't see in day to day situations, its not the external part of them - because most tweets don't come from the public 'us' but somewhere else somewhere inside of us that most of the time we are not permitted to show due to convention and rules and jobs and families.

Twitter is the place where we can be our darkside and our light side at the same time. Where we can say what we feel or don't feel and someone listens or they don't but you've said it because you wanted to so there!

Someone is quoted as saying that twitter is the 'Random Shouting into the Darkness in the hope someone is listening' - maybe it is but there is always someone listening and sometimes they shout back and sometime you can listen until you realise that they are not shouting but singing and if you can care to take a moment you can find a song you like and you can join in.

Twitter is singing and listening to the darkness with the knowledge that a nightingale does not need a response to find joy in its own song and that you do not need to be a bird to find the beauty in its call!


Well there it is my first blog and I dont mind if just one person reads it or a thousand people read it - its one down on of my 100 things to do and only another 99 to go..I already know my #100 is going to need some space training ....so I suppose the next thing I should do is decide what the other 98 thing to do before I die are!